Babywise & Beyond: My {in}Fertility Story (part 1)

Adam and I were married in September of 2009. It was such a magical time in our lives. I took off work to plan for the wedding and it was a blast. I knew that shortly after we were married, I would love to start trying for a baby. As time went by, I never really thought anything of it. About a year and a half later, I was in Indiana for a business trip and woke up in the middle of the night because I had left the TV on. The commercial that woke me up was for a fertility doctor- my initial thought when I saw the commercial was, "hmm, that's weird, it's been a long time and I'm still not pregnant." I had never even thought of it before then. So, I decided after seeing the commercial, when I got home I would contact a fertility doctor just to gain some information.

Our Wedding Day!

When I came home, I realized my first hurdle- Adam. Adam was in NO rush to have kids- he was working all the time in sales on Wall Street and was perfectly happy with the way things were. After a loooooong drawn out conversation, Adam agreed to go to an initial consultation with me but that was it. He was not going to subject himself to any type of fertility procedures- he would just be there to support me. I was sad but I understood. So, I made the appoint which was about 3 weeks out and got back to life as we waited for the appointment.

Two weeks later, I can't remember exactly what had prompted me to take a pregnancy test, but I did. It wasn't abnormal for me not to get my period regularly or even every month, so it wasn't like I would even know if I was pregnant! Well, 2 minutes later, I got the double blue lines and could not believe my eyes. I was PREGNANT! I can not even begin to explain the joy that swept through my body. I immediately began looking up cute ways to tell Adam I was pregnant and started designing a onesie with Daddy's Little Surfer on it. But, by the time he got home from work, I was bursting with excitement and couldn't contain the secret anymore! He was shocked but also happy!

Ironically, our lease was up and we were looking for a new apartment. We had seen a 3 bedroom apartment previously, but weren't sold on it. Well, once we knew I was pregnant, Adam immediately called Andrew, our amazing realtor at the time, and we signed the lease. We then called both sets of parents and told them the news- everyone was so elated!

So a week of pure joy went by and I had forgotten all about my fertility appointment. I called them and told them I was pregnant and they told me to just come in to check my levels just to be sure. I went in, had my blood taken, and went on my way to work. Two days later, I was at work in a classroom. (I had switched from sales to teaching at this point) I had a voicemail from a weird phone number, so I popped into the bathroom and listened to it. I don't remember the exact words, but I remember my knees buckling and my throat went dry. The gist of the voicemail was something about my levels being low and that it looked like it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I would likely miscarry but they wanted to check them again in 2 days just to see if there was any hope.

Until I had my twins, Christmas time reminded me of having a miscarriage

I literally couldn't pull myself together. I slid down the wall and sobbed and sobbed. They could tell something was wrong at the front office and just had me leave. It was absolutely terrible timing because Adam was already in New York at his work Christmas party and I couldn't get ahold of him. So, I left work and drove an hour and a half down to my parents house. I could barely see the white lines on the road on the drive home and I'm pretty sure I never even closed the car door after running into my parents house to my moms arms.

I was due to have the levels check on Monday, but it was pointless. I spotted bright red blood over the weekend and knew it was all over. Adam took me skiing to get my mind off things- worst decision ever. We stayed at a cute bed & breakfast where I ended up miscarrying. I remember thinking- could it get any worse? That weekend was the start of the lowest point in my life and I hadn't even realized it yet. I went to my appointment on Monday and they could not have been kinder. They told me we were going to continue through with our original plan of clomid + intercourse and get me pregnant asap. My doctors were the best. They knew exactly what to say exactly when they should say it. I headed back to my apartment and had Adam remove ANYTHING that had to do with babies- throw away my pregnancy test, throw out the pregnancy magazine I had bought, etc. And what was even more annoying was that we had to begin to pack to move into our new apartment- with 3 bedrooms. I remember thinking- "what's the point?"

So, that's what I did, I put it behind me, filled my prescription for clomid, took it, the doctors gave me the green light, I went in 2 weeks later for blood work and then waited. I waited a LONGGGG 2 days to get the results back. And when I got the voicemail (I couldn't bare to talk to them), I once again was crushed. Same news. You are showing as pregnant, but your HCG levels are low and it doesn't look like a viable pregnancy.

.... Part 2 to be continued ...

Part 2

Part 3

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